The Whole World Can Change…But Never CEF.

It’s been a long harrowing few weeks. Very worrying days. Last night was the first night that I could actually relax.

CEF rang his mate at 10:20 just as I was going to bed. He talked loudly, laughing and swearing until about 10:30. I fell into an exhausted sleep – to be woken again at 11:20 with another phone call and constant loud laughing and talking shit.

I came out, got the keys to the shed off the kitchen bench and headed out of the house, to sleep down in the musty room in the shed.

He glanced up slightly, but didn’t even break stride, continuing his raucous laughter and talking.

I despise this man with every part of my being.

But, again, even more so than before, I’m here…and here I’ll have to stay.

 

The Match And I

Won’t be long now until my sister and I are back having coffee again, busy with our important and productive past-time of off-loading to each other about our significant others – insignificant in my case.

I can’t wait.

The therapy and support that bagging someone who deserves it, over coffee to someone who has a pretty good idea what it’s like, is inestimable.

We, of course, support each other differently – hers is kind, caring and a deep disappointment in my predicament. My advice to her is often , ‘Just say to him “Shut ya mouth ya fat c..t or I’ll smash ya with this frypan!” At which she sputters and giggles girlishly – having never uttered, nor would ever utter, that horrible word in her life – let alone brandish anything.  But it makes her laugh – and that’s good.

😊

Lousy.

Hot on the heels of me trying to think of a way to make some extra money, just so I’m not continuing to go out backwards…I overheard CEF talking to someone about his horses…the fact that he’s spent about twenty grand on them in the last couple of years. Twenty grand! Makes me feel nauseous.

The ride on mower that I paid for…that I recently bought a new battery for needs new blades. He just said quote “You get em and I’ll get a new belt for it.” Now I wouldn’t even know if he gets a new belt for it…but of course the belt is maybe, at the most, $40. The blades will cost me upwards of $80. I’ve just looked online.

Now, yes, considering I bought the bloody thing – top of the range – golf course type.. Because that’s what he always wanted, yeah, just defies belief that he can spend all that on his horses…and yet not contribute one lousy cent to the insurances, maintainance, groceries etc – not even his bloody Foxtel.

I know. Ask him for money.

I have.

The answer?

“I’ll fuckin buy me own groceries!” He doesn’t.

“Turn the fuckin thing off!” ( he’d be more horrible, really horrible, without the races, than he is with them)

Nothing I’d say, nothing, makes an impact or changes him – only for the worse – I know that for a fact.

*One of the latest crazy men, the one who stabbed that young doctor, apparently told her that he loved her, within the first week of knowing her. This apparently is one sign of a sociopath. Just one.

CEF told me he loved me within days of us meeting. I thought it was lovely. Such a wonderful thing to hear. And aren’t I the special one to evoke such feelings in someone? I was over the moon…especially after being cheated on by my husband of many years.

Yeah.

And A Cruel Little SOB.

A small thing, yeah, but very hurtful none the less.

And certainly more fool me for doing something so ‘normal’, but as I’ve said before, every now and then normal life takes over and you find yourself doing that ‘normal’ thing before you realise it – granted its very rare I fall into that but…

The other night, while he was still in the good mood, he was watching gold digging on one of those obscure Foxtel channels. I was sitting on the lounge actually in the same room as him. I have been embroidering a cushion cover for a teacher I worked with, it’s a free hand drawing of Godrics Hollow church (Harry Potter) If I do say so myself it looks good. I sketched the church onto the fabric and have been sewing it, actually since I used to sit out in the garage with my little Buzz.

In a fit of normalcy I stood up and held it up to him and said “See what I’ve been sewing? Looks good, eh…I did it all by hand..the drawing of the church too.”

He looked at it, then glanced back at the TV and said “Be good ta have one of them metal detectors, eh.” Leaving me standing there like a 1st grader holding my painting. There was not even a word, an eyebrow raise, a nod, nothing…and it was so purposeful.

I suppose it bodes well in some ways that I am still able to feel let down. I’m not yet completely a machine (where he’s concerned) because I did indeed feel the familiar kick in the guts. I don’t feel that with him very often..or at all, because I don’t put myself in that position and I have no thought that under his sometime good mood or joking, he feels anything but a deep resentment for me and has for years.

But yeah, like some big brother type experiment, you just start to live a queer sort of half normal life…and that brings moments like these every now and then. Just happens.

*The other night he was screaming into the phone with his old mate Alan when I heard a little child’s voice (must have speaker on or something) and Mark was talking to the little fellow as Alan had no doubt put his grandchild on to chat to his good mate Mark.

It was with disgust I heard him talking to the little kid…when he couldn’t care less about his own family, and stops me from seeing mine.

Yet another defining moment.

**It was queer how hurt I felt the other night, about the cushion cover. Sometimes I wonder…all the stuff that he’s done…why did that hurt so much…but I guess it’s just human nature sometimes…just without thinking who you’re actually living with… to expect a little bit of kindness.

Big mistake.

Ah…he’s a little character, eh.

Yes, I bet the mind boggled with images of me swanning around in a diaphanous negligee…or sporting a huge sparkling diamond ring…

Yeah…

Now, for all our sakes, I put the newspaper in front of me, as it was early this morning when I wandered down to the flat in the shed to don my most wonderous of gifts and take the photo.

On Saturday when he gave me this lovely present, I’d been in the garden, I’d had a frightening near miss with what I thought was a spider in my gardening shoe, screaming and launching myself off the verandah. My hair needed a wash and was pulled up in a topknot of hair and leaves. I was wearing my old scruffy clothes – so I looked quite a sight before putting this on my head as well.

But, yes, put it on I did. CEF stood back, looking at me thoughtfully, and then he tilted it to a rakish angle (laughing all the time) which one might think was the closest thing to a slight bit of affection…but I knew that it was to make it look even funnier.

He then told me, “Yeah, I heard em talkin about em on the radio…5 bux! With postage! All the way from China!”

After prancing about a bit, I took it off as the elastic head band was cutting off circulation to the lobotomy part my head. He then said in his OCD way, “Put it back in the plastic sleeve (a little condom like plastic bag) and wrap it back up.”

So there it is down in the shed, in its little protective bag, in its little protective plastic bubble wrap.

Did he buy it for me?

Nah. He heard about it. Thought that for $5 it might be good to keep the sun off himself when he feeds the horses…realised how dumb it looks..and thought that it might be a laugh to see me in it.

Anyway…life’s too short not to take a laugh when you can. 🙄

The Gift..